The Challenges of Raising SA Boys to Be Good Men

In May, the National Council on Gender-Based Violence and Femicide Act 9 of 2024 was signed into law. The new Act expands Gender-Based Violence (GBV) definitions and introduces new protections, adding to the robustness of the country’s GBV legislative framework. It is a legal framework that is generally regarded as the most progressive in Africa, meeting several of the same global best practices as countries such as Canada, Denmark, and Norway.

Despite this, South Africa remains one of the most dangerous countries in the world for women and girls. According to various academic researchers and fact-checking organisations, South Africa’s rate of femicide is 4-5 times the global average, placing it among the worst five countries for femicide worldwide. While improved implementation and enforcement of our GBV laws will undoubtedly enhance the safety of women and girls, having an outstanding legal framework and better enforcement will only go so far.

Deeply entrenched patriarchal and cultural norms significantly contribute to the prevalence of GBV in South Africa, adversely impacting generation after generation of both girls and boys.

Jaco van Schalkwyk, the Founder, and CEO of The Character Company (TCC), a non-profit organisation working with fatherless boys, says, “We cannot ignore the importance of paying attention to how we are raising boys in our homes, schools, and communities. If we are ever going to turn the tide against GBV in South Africa, we need to start prioritising understanding the societal pressures that today’s boys are under and taking meaningful action to improve their mental and emotional health of boys.

We are currently living in a world striving towards gender equity and focused on improving the opportunities for girls. This is necessary and important, but it can’t divert our attention away from caring for the well-being of boys too. I believe that promoting positive masculinity at home and in society at large is crucial to reducing GBV in South Africa.”

What is Positive Masculinity?

Positive masculinity is a direct challenge to the ‘toxic masculinity’ that is increasingly enthralling vulnerable boys around the world, including in South Africa. It stands against the aggression, control, and dominance promoted by global alpha male influencers such as Andrew Tate, who is currently facing charges of GBV crimes in Romania and the UK.

Positive masculinity redefines what it means to be a man by focusing on emotional intelligence, empathy, and equality. It emphasises the importance of boys and men having healthy relationships in their families, schools, workplaces, and communities by encouraging their cooperation and mutual respect. It actively stands against the cultural validation of violent behaviours.

Jaco says, “It is important to note that broken or toxic masculinity is not just about boys and men. Women and girls may also play a role in enabling and even promoting toxic masculinity, so the transformation to valuing positive masculinity in our society involves everyone. In our work at TCC, we focus on the mentorship of fatherless boys in our communities. We are working together with their single mothers and other caregivers to help them raise their boys in home environments that are embedded with the values of positive masculinity, while the boys get vital opportunities to engage intentionally with positive male role models who are a consistent force for good in their lives.”

How can South African parents, caregivers, and educators do more to encourage positive masculinity in our society?

Jaco says, “We need to acknowledge the pressures that our boys are under when it comes to the pervasive cultural and social norms around what it means to be a boy or a man. Boys are often repeatedly shamed in small ways when it comes to expressing gender, starting from when they are little, and they are told ‘Big boys don’t cry.’ As they grow, they have fewer freedoms than girls do today when it comes to exploring gender identity.

Boys are still highly at risk of being labelled as sissies or being bullied if they show interest in activities or ideas that don’t conform to traditional male gender expectations. We don’t give them enough safe spaces to show vulnerability and express emotions. Society makes cowards of boys and men so easily especially when it concerns the expression of emotions that are regarded as “unmanly”.

Even though it is well-known that emotional repression leads to poor mental health outcomes, too many boys are still learning in their homes, schools, and communities that they are expected to always be stoic and in control. So, we keep raising boys with low levels of emotional literacy and emotional intelligence, which leads to isolation, searing loneliness, and a reduced capacity to engage in healthy relationships, all of which can last a lifetime.

It’s a roadmap to depression, anger, and aggression. Creating safe, supportive spaces for boys to ask for help, talk about their feelings, and process their emotions is foundational to positive masculinity.” This is not necessarily easy for fathers, male caregivers, and teachers who were themselves raised according to traditional male norms.

Jaco recommends:

Walk the path for yourself – “Surround yourself with men you can be vulnerable with. This will entail reflecting on your relationships with male family members, friends, and colleagues. Can you ask them for help, or would this be seen as a failure or a weakness? If so, how can this shift in your life? Can you talk to other men about your feelings honestly and get support when you need it? If not, how can you change this? It could start with just opening a conversation about positive masculinity with a trusted friend.”

Develop your self-awareness – “Reflect on your levels of emotional intelligence. Can you easily identify the nuances of your strong feelings? Do you read the emotions of other men in your life well? Does ego and pride stand in the way of you being authentic and vulnerable around other men?”

Show up for the boys in your life – “Do you have the intention to be there for your sons or the boys in your life? For dads and male caregivers, are you spending time with them? Do you regularly go fishing, sit around the fire, or go for a walk together – activities that give you plenty of opportunities to just talk and hear each other out.”

Fix relationships that are going wrong – “If you have acted out of character or hit another kind of roadblock with the boy in your life, do you make the effort, and the right effort, to fix the relationship? Do you need to develop your conflict resolution and clearing skills?”

Listen to your son – “Active listening is an essential skill for all parents, but a dad or male caregiver needs to give the boy in your life a safe, non-judgmental space where he feels heard. Being a male role model is not just about you sharing what you know of the world; it’s also about listening with great interest so you know how your boy is experiencing himself in the world.”

Engage his friends – “Dads, male caregivers, and teachers can play a pivotal role in building a sense of community for boys. Be inclusive and connect meaningfully with boys as a group.”

Learn more about The Character Company or find out how to be a TCC mentor here